Thursday, July 23, 2015

Review: Sharknado 3: It's Out of This World and My Predictions for Sharknado 4

If you didn't say "huh?", or what? or "you've got to be kidding me!" you were not watching Sharknado 3.

Sharknado 3, I dare say, left its fans wanting more. Sharks in space, births in bellies, limbs in limbo, this movie's mundane was a normal person's outrageous. So many twitter fans in agreement wondering about just exactly what these wacky, wonderful writers were on when they wrote their weird and wild words.

Nothing was too stupid or ridiculous to show. Science and logic went out the broken windows that the Sharknados caused. I don't think the writers ever threw out an idea on the basis of "but that could never happen.". Rather, that was their goal.

I didn't care about all the product plugs for Comcast, I rather enjoyed the familiarity of Universal Studios. I liked the attempt to bring plausible explanations to the ridiculous. I liked the character development and the Walking Dead van.

And I especially enjoyed watching the actors saying their lines with a straight face, not just the main characters but all those recognizable personalities than joined in on the fun

Then again, they are walking straight to the bank with this franchise.

It  left me wanting more, and dreaming (rather I say, hallucinating) of what comes next. So, based on the absurdity of Sharknado 3, here are my predictions for Sharknado 4. And I am assuming #Aprillives.

1. David Hasselhoff survives on the moon because dead sharks fall there and he survives on shark sushi. He invents some new dishes calling it "Shushi".

2. Frankie Muniz survives. David finds his head and middle (sorry, had to do that) because he hears screams from a shark that fell from the sky. He fashions him a pair of legs out of the landing gear.

3. So many dead sharks fall to the moon that they disintegrate into the soil and alter the chemical composition of the soil. The lifeless moondust becomes rich, dark soil, and because of the high water content of a shark's body (just guessing here), several areas where dead sharks fell become lakes.

4. Now, because there were so many dead sharks and so much DNA floating in the lakes and some of the sharks were not all dead when they landed, but alive pregnant mommy sharks, David Hasselhoff, because of the keen water-watching skills he learned in Baywatch, starts to notice little baby sharks appearing.

5.. Going back to the fact that not all the sharks were dead when they hit the moon, when they hit the surface they bounced off it a few times because of the lack of gravity, and some of the birds they had just eaten (because we found out that was their food source in the sharknados) bounced out of their huge jaws and weakly, but surely, were able to fly in the zero-gravity atmosphere.

6. Back on earth, we notice that Little Fin (Gil) has some unusual things happening to him. For one thing, his teeth came in very quickly, they are very sharp, and there are more of them. April notices this  because he tried to bite off one of her metal fingers and succeeded.

Then they notice he is always swimming in the bathtub. Oddly enough, his head gets submerged several times, they think he is going to drown and he never does.

The doctors and dentists say there is nothing wrong with him, he just has extra teeth and likes the water.

7. More sharknados occur around the world. Toddler Gil seems to pick up on this by flapping his hands together. Parents Fin and April, being very intuitive, realize the connection, and start using the baby on their sharknado-chasing hunts to predict their occurrences.

8. An even more powerful sharknado, more so than ever before, yes, even bigger than in #Sharknado3, because that is possible, seems to be coming their way. Every new character that was fighting it seems to die. But Fin is still standing !! He is in a battle scene, with chainsaw on one arm and Little Gil (about 2 years old by now) on his other arm. Just as the shark is about to bite off the arm with the chainsaw we hear, for the FIRST TIME EVER, the baby speak. He says "STOP!"

There is a moment of connection between the shark and baby Gil, then with other sharks. The shark leaves, and then so do the others. FIN is saved!! April saws herself out of yet another shark belly. Hundreds of limbless people look to the skies to see the wonder of the sharknado pulling away!!.

Turns out, some of the DNA from the shark bite to April got in his bloodstream in utero, so he is part shark and is able to communicate with them. We now have a peacemaker for the sharks, and in time, this little baby Prince of Sharks will create a a more peaceful planet on earth, communicating with their collective intelligence through telepathic and verbal means. SO EARTH IS SAVED!

9. However, back on the moon things are not doing so well. The sharks are breeding like crazy in their new lakes, which have grown to the size of  oceans. As scientists were busy dealing with the affects of the sharknados on this rock, they didn't realize that the tides on earth were changing, because the new waters on the moon were affecting its gravitational pull. When they realize this, they send a mission to the moon. What do you think they find?

10. Dinosaurs.

Why? Well the birds were not able to fly too well in the lack of atmosphere on the moon, so they preferred the land-loving life. Birds don't need to fly, so they lived on the ground and ate the shark from the waters. The stronger were able to fly over lakes and eat the baby sharks and bring back food for their brood. They multiplied.

Now, everyone knows that birds are the only descendents of dinosaurs we have on earth. With their rich diet of shark meat and no predators on land, their population spread and their size grew. So guess what, there was now a new hybrid breed of bird/shark,  or shall we dare say....Sharkosaur..

10. Sharkosaur 1 - anyone?

Okay sharknado writers, I just wanted to give your snushi for thought, work your magic.

For more on these movies:
                                                                                                                                                                      Graphic Credit: Sharknado Facebook